Infinite Mind

Everything is starting to come back to me again. I’m slowly starting to attend this depression class again; I left it once, I thought I dropped it, but it turns out I still have it. It’s like these every few weeks I’ve been slowly feeling being separated from my “best friends”. Each week I’m getting left behind more and more. It makes me feel horrible when they seem not to care, yeah I know that they have their problems and crapp, but they don’t how it feels to be separated from the rest of the group. They’re lucky to have each other in a class, but what about me? Me? I seem not to matter because since I’m by myself I’m suppose to be able to be left alone. I always go and keep them company. I go to them, I always go to them; what about me? Sometimes its like they assume that I’m suppose to go to them. It would make me feel special sometimes if they could visit me. I’m always feeling left out because when I feel all happy and crapp they’re all out of the mood and shit. When I’m all sad/not in the mood they’re happy and in a great mood? What’s wrong with this situation we’re not all happy? So what do I do? I leave, I separate myself from them because I don’t want their negative energy and I don’t want to give them my negative energy. All this is adding more to the stress I have. I’ve been getting 5 hours of sleep or less in the past 2 months. My eyes start to get heavy very easily now, but I have to push myself not to fall asleep. I just want to feel like I’m apart of the little gang, but I more feel like a bother. I’m slowly in the process of burning out, I’m going to break down soon again. Why did I have to be separated from them. All these problems wouldn’t have had happened if I just had some classes with them, even at least one measly class, but no I don’t. I’m stick with mixed emotions. Anger, Sadness, Stressed,and Depressed, what else is going to be added to this list of feelings. Enough said, I’m going to fuck off now.

Today in Psychology our lesson was about Health and crapp like that so when I walked into class my teacher gave me this paper, it was to see how you stressed you were. There was all these options you would check if it had occurred to you at least in the past year. Most of the stuff was for people over the age of 21 and yet I got such a high number on the stress scale. If you got a 300 or higher it meant you were stressed and you could get a heart disease in 2 years. I got a 273, most of my friends got mid 100’s. A 273 isn’t that a little ridiculous for a 15 year old when people who got 300 and higher were all 21 or older. I need to get all this stress off myself, but it just grows. This is a bad sign, but this could be the main reason for all the grey hair I keep growing. I already know it’s going to get worse. That’s why I’ve been isolating myself from everyone because I’m trying to get rid of stress and I don’t want to get into anymore drama or anything to get me more stressed. Plus it is true if you have grey hair it means you’re stressed. I need to relax, but there’s no room to relax in these 5 weeks of school that’s left. I need to sleep, but I don’t get it. -__- I just hope I don’t break down again. I really need you here by my side the most that’s really who I need right now. Hope I can last 5 more weeks.

So it hit me today, I was with my bestfriend Lizzy today waiting for our rides to come. So while we were waiting in the grass a group of guys have been strolling by a lot and this little boy decides to come up to Lizzy and hit on her trying to ask for her number. I knew he wasn’t going to get it because one he was shorter than Lizzy, two he wasn’t even her type and three just the way he approached her was bad. While he was failing to hit on her his little gang of friends came up to me and they were trying to act all hard and shit. They wanted to pick up a fight with me or something than they were asking a shit load of questions like is she your girlfriend this shit and that shit. Than I was like “Nah she’s my bestfriend” then the little ass punk goes have you ever messed around with her and I was like no  she’s my bestfriend and I have a girlfriend. Then he has the audacity to say that so you can screw around with your bestfriend and I was like nah that’s not how you treat a lady you don’t just screw around with her, you treat one of her kind. Then this little kid goes well that’s how you treat a “bitch” and I said no dude you treat her with respect . This made me realize that some guys are complete HORN DOGS. All they ever want to fucking do is have fun with a girl. They just want to have fun with her and then ditch her. They’ll treat them like a flower in a garden. They’ll pick one and love it, after it slowly starts to die they just toss the flower away instead of watering it and treating it well. Then they go ahead and pick another flower in the garden. Guys need to really start treating girls better. Enough said. 

tedeezy:

• The fast text message responses will become slow replies.
• The long phone conversations will be cut short.
• The attention they give you will become neglect.
• The comfort they give you will become something awkward.
• The time they have for you will become them being too busy.
• Feeling close will become feeling distant.

Music is a big aspect to anyone’s life. We at least here music once day if its either through headphones, radio, or even your thoughts. There’s a variety of genres of music that we listen to today. Music needs to send positive messages. Were not trying to encourage young boys to call girls fowl words. If you like music that sends out negative message and such obviously your not listening to your music closely enough. Your only listening to the beat of the song and the lyrics mean nothing to you. Lyrics are put in a don’t for reason if you’re not going to care what the song is trying to send out then obviously you should just listen to the instrumental. Music should send a positive message to society, but the industries are signing people who don’t send out good messages. Things that are often mentioned in songs now of days are drugs, sex, women, and etc. How can you send a positive message trough that? All you can do is send a negative message. Since when was it okay to degrade a women and reference her as a “bitch”, “whore”, or “slut”?! We’re suppose to praise women and treat them one of kind instead of treating them like a flower that is dying. Just because its dying it doesn’t mean you can’t nourish it back to healthy condition. Instead people see that there are a lot of other flowers in this garden. We need yo respect what we use music for and it should be used to spread positive messages to the world.

frustratedmess:

And it’s about time that I take the initiative. 

If you really knew me, when I’m with my best friends I feel like a 3rd wheel occasionally because they all have classes together while I’m the loner. They talk about things that I don’t know a lot about and I just feel left out. Sometimes I’m just left behind because I don’t know what we’re doing because no one informs me. I’ve learned to be an independent person this year because I was left behind. No one seemed to care about me, the kid who stayed at school late everyday. No one bothered to text me when I stayed at school late. I’m the one that texted them, they have no idea how it felt to be left alone at school till 8 by themselves. It made me tear up everyday before I went to bed. I still feel left out to this day. One day I’m just not going to show up to school to see if they care enough.

imcrazybutluvly:

are you from africa ? because african love you.

are you from jamaica ? because jamaican me crazy !

are you from russia ? because you’re-a making my blood russia to my dick.

are you japanese ? because i wanna take JAPANESE off. 

are you from china ? ‘cause i’m china get your number.

My parent came home last night from the funeral from my cousin, they told me that it had to be the most emotional funeral they’ve attended. My was talking to me this morning about him this morning about him; she said he was a talented person. He graduated from UC Davis with a degree in Biology and an Engineering degree. He played the piano every morning at 7:30, he would wake everyone in the house up with his amazing piano skills, but now they’re not going to wake up to that. He was about 36. A young man with lots of talent that had a huge future in front of him. My told me that when he was going through kimo therapy he never complained about pain. NEVER once did he say he was in pain or did he say anything. They had to scrape some of the bones on his back without any pain relievers. He knew he was going to die so he told his sister what he wanted her to say at her funeral, “Love your parents, love your siblings because it’s never too late to love them.” RIP Kuya Gilbert, sorry that I was a day late… 

• I’m easily JEALOUS
• I will never consider what I do for my girlfriend is enough even though people consider me an “Amazing Boyfriend”
• I’m short
• I have a passion for Photography
• I love Cars
• I’m scared that I might get diabetes 
• I’m LAZY
• I really want to see Gerali out of everyone I haven’t seen in a while the most
• I could get Straight A’s I’m just really not motivated enough
• I miss my sister
• I hate being alone
• I like when there’s smiley faces and hearts in text I receive, It makes me feel like the person that I’m texting actually cares
• I paint, but currently stopped because of busy

When I go back to school, sad thoughts are going to come over my mind. My cousin past away early Friday morning. What genuinely broke my heart was I was suppose visit him Saturday because they said had only a few weeks to live. I haven’t seen him since I was about 3 or 4 its been about 12 years since I’ve last seen him and I was really looking forward to seeing him even though I knew he wouldn’t have the strength to remember me or talk. I want to cry because I was a day short. I really wish I could go to his funeral, but school refrains me from going. Now I have to sleep all alone Tuesday night while my parental go to his funeral service. Just when my life was going good it starts to fall once again. RIP Kuya Gilbert, you will be missed you fought your sickness too long and now your with God where you can now enjoy life. Please watch over me Kuya and help my life go towards the right path. Love you cousin.

Always there for you .

Makes you laugh .

Loves you for who you are .

Knows all your secrets & never tells anyone .

Backs you up in fights .

Your other half .

- What would i do without my best friend?

Life would be sucky without my best friend

I love my best friend

Never judges your dancing or your weirdness cuz you can be weird together!!

itsssrachelxo:

DO IT